OH THOSE ’70’S

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I received a photo and text from my oldest daughter on Tuesday that at first made me laugh, then whisked me down memory lane forty-two years and just as quickly, jerked me into the present and just on the cusp of shedding big whopping mama tears on my iPhone.

Maybe it was because it has been raining for three weeks, or maybe it was because my husband inadvertently forgot how to read labels and put a lethal amount of pepper in our spaghetti sauce, or maybe it was because I had a milestone birthday last week, or maybe it was because I am beginning to have unexpected moments of mourning my youth. I don’t know and, honestly, really can’t explain the sanity of a picture of sheets putting me over the edge. Sheets!

But something real definitely triggered emotions within me seeing those “oh so 70’s” psychedelic sheets. The very same sheets that I bought for the girls’ twin beds when we moved to New Jersey. The ones that the pink and orange crazed decorator in me loved so much. And you guessed it, I just had to continue the theme by buying extras to make curtains.

Maybe those sheets reminded me that I was once young, hip and full of surprises. They reminded me that the children are gone, grown and on their own. No more bedrooms to decorate, clothes to pick up, or beds to make. How fast it all went. And where oh where did that 70’s girl go?

P.S. Yes, I still do have one. I use it to carry leaves to the leaf pile in the fall.

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STICKY STAMPS

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He looked so tired, as if his last burst of energy had left his body a long time ago. His physicality reminded me of the elegant Nubians I had seen in Egypt.

Last Sunday Arthur and I had hopped aboard the jitney that would take us to Lincoln Road for a stroll along the shops, flea market stalls and farmers markets. It is on this jitney that I encountered the weary traveler.

He sat sideways, giving me a view if his hard hat. Small stickers of butterflies and turtles were placed in childlike angles on his hat. Stickers that I recognized from those my grandchildren would stick all over anything that was not moving.

Hesitant to invade his space on the almost empty bus, I couldn’t help but eject myself into his silent space because he looked so weary, so alone.

“Did your children put those stickers on?”, I asked just a little above a whisper, hoping I wasn’t offending him.

He turned and looked a me and in a quiet recognition of my interest in his hat, shook his head up and down.

“You know they love you, don’t you?”

My words seemed to float into the empty space between us. Hanging. Silence.

And then in his weary voice he lowered his head looking at his weathered hands in his lap and replied so quietly, “I hope so. I hope so.”

I wanted to assure him, but I just smiled in reply. I wanted to tell him I know so. This grandma knows when your children or grandchildren put their precious stamps on your things, it makes you theirs to keep. Each time you look at those stickies, a part of their little souls will travel with you no matter how far. Smart little critters. All of them!

STAR CROSSED LOVE

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It is really true when it is said youth is wasted on the young. When I was 17 I was emotionally arrogant with selfish dreams of leaving my hometown and my life there far behind me. I achieved my goal by going far away to college and saying goodbye to everything, including my boyfriend. My shame in this is that I didn’t tell him. I neglected or maybe just didn’t have the heart to tell him, my dreams were beyond a life in Steubenville. He thought I would be back.

But that is not the worst of it. I wrote him a “Dear John” letter from college about six weeks into my first semester. I didn’t know he had already bought a ring to surprise me at Christmas.

Hindsight eventually allowed me the privilege of seeing that I was young and just plain selfish and really, really stupid and above all, extremely insensitive. And that is not the worst of it.

A few weeks after that letter I awoke from a horrible dream that my boyfriend was driving at night down Market Street Hill, the main artery into our downtown, and was hurt in a terrible accident. The dream was so real, it was hard for me to shake off, so when my brother came to visit me from his college the next weekend, I told him about my dream.

“Sandra. It happened. I didn’t want to tell you, but he was drinking and had an accident just like you described.”

And so, my guilt about my letter and breaking this nice boy’s heart with my careless attitude about our relationship began and has never left me to this day – of being responsible for his physical and emotional hurting.

I did see him that Christmas, but only once and never again. I was told that he owned a business and finally married a local girl and had two children. Knowing him, he probably forgave me. I am sure I was the farthest thing from his mind two minutes after he met and fell in love again. But I have never forgiven myself.

This morning I got a message from my cousin that my high school boyfriend died this week. On my birthday.

Christmas of ’47

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As a child, the longest nights in my life were the nights before Christmas. I would lie there in the dark for what seemed like hours listening for the reindeer hooves on our roof, or the faintest sounds of bells tinkling from Santa’s sleigh. I believed. I believed that Santa would come and eat our homemade oatmeal cookies and drink milk from the glass bottles in the icebox and sit a spell to rest near our tree. I couldn’t sleep because I could miss it all. All of it.

It was 1947. The war had ended a few years back and we had moved in with my grandparents to get a new start. New job for Daddy. No more food ration stamps for Mother. Santa’s big bag of wishes for my brother and I. This would be the best Christmas ever! Golly. There were enough chimney’s for Santa at Grandpa’s. The old Victorian had one in every room and I had especially reminded Grandpa before I went to bed to keep the one in Grandma’s parlor open for him. Right near the tree.

Lying there with visions of everything on my long Santa list scrolling through my head, suddenly I heard it. I heard a clamor outside, noise and rushing about. He is here! He is here! Santa’s here! I was so excited that I rushed toward my brother’s bed and started shaking him. “He’s here. Santa’s here.” But Sherman must have been dreaming his own list of wonderful bows and arrows and such that he refused to surface back to the real world. I couldn’t stir him.

I was too afraid to peak out the window for fear that he wouldn’t leave anything but coal in my stocking if he caught me spying. So, eventually, that wonderful, long night in my seventh year of believing, what I didn’t know would be my last year of believing, I finally fell asleep knowing that Santa had come with toys and things for all of us.

My grandmother died that Christmas Eve. The scampering I heard was my mother and grandfather leaving the house to take her to the hospital. The toys under the tree I recognized as cast-offs from my older cousins. And the night case hidden under the buffet in Grandmas’ parlor was her suitcase brought home from the hospital. My seven-year-old heart was torn with grief about my grandmother that I loved dearly and the realization that Santa had not come after all.

I can’t say I learned anything about this experience, or that it changed me in anyway. I do know whatever heartache or disappointment I had, I kept to myself. Some wise moral to this event in my young life? Maybe I did grow up a bit over night. I really don’t know. I can only say it was a Christmas that I will never forget.

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EIGHT DAYS OF DARKNESS

The sound was deafening. We wore earplugs at night to keep the speeding freight train from our worst nightmares. Forty-eight hours and then silence. Then darkness. The world we knew was limited to only what we could see from our eagles nest on the New Jersey Shore. We were cut off from the world. No internet. No cell. No electricity. No heat. For eight days we lived in darkness, lived in ignorance, not knowing how the rest of the world was fairing from Sandy’s wrath. So close, yet so far.

I awoke on Tuesday after Sandy, lying there in bed, thankful the roof was still on, windows intact, we were still alive and I was longing for a hot cup of coffee, musing at how bizarre my thought process is and just how addicted I had become throughout the years to that first jolt of caffeine, even in a crisis.

Sofi and I (still in my fuzzy slippers and bathrobe) cautiously stepped out the door so she could do her business, contemplating if I should travel further to see if my car was still there, but the heavens opened up before me. My next door neighbor was coming up the path with a thermos of hot coffee in his hand. If God himself had been there I couldn’t have been happier. He had a generator,heat and best of all HOT coffee.

It took me a full day to get the courage to walk further down the path to the car port. It was gone. My car was okay. Some of the house roof overhang was stripped of its top layer and a few roof shingles lay scattered about. A big old tree was down on my slope. Luckily it fell away from the house. A branch went through the cottage roof, making a repairable hole, but that was all. In the forty hears of hurricanes I have had worse. Andrew tore away my roof, in another my dining room collapsed, so I was grateful for the miracle of surviving Sandy’s 90 mile an hour plus winds.

In spite of everything have learned a lot from Sandy. How to make coffee and heat things in a coffee cup on top of a round dish of tea candles, held above the flames by a french fry cutter. (Don’t ask). All of this MacGyver stuff until we could get wood into the house for the fireplace and built-in stove.

The best is that I have rediscovered the joy of both conversation and silence. Withdrawing from the internet, texting and cell phone. Experiencing real time with my grandson and neighbors. Remembering the importance of human connection and the basics of giving and sharing. Forgetting the stress of the election, world chaos and all the negativity it had been evoking on my psyche.

This Sunday morning at 2:30 a.m., eight days into darkness, the furnace started running. I took off my cozy red hat and big sleep mask that were keeping my head and face warm in the cold and gave my hot water bottle, Sofi, a big hug. Life is good. The trees around me almost bent to the ground, but they are still here. So am I.

I now know the entire East Coast has been hit hard by Sandy, especially New Jersey, and many have lost their homes and lives. I pray for them all. The boardwalks and houses in the low shore lands are gone. But we New Jersey folks are used to surviving nature’s wrath. We will rebuild. We will survive.

The sound of helicopters is constant as they survey and photograph our misery, but there is always a silver lining in the midst of darkness. We just have to keep remembering that again it will be It will be.

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Election Insanity

My parents always fostered my interest in democracy, issues of the day that would affect our lives and of course the electoral process and it’s importance. Conversations about relevant topics around the dinner table are some of my most fond memories of my family and quality time we spent together.

So I can honestly say, I never though I ever would live to see the insanity that is going on within this Presidential Election bid and the hysteria, outrage and time consumed over trying to find subliminal meanings of common words.

At a time when we should be focused on serious issues facing this country. At a time when we have families on food stamps, unemployment at record highs, the economy tanking, the Arab countries challenging our strengths, our representatives being murdered overseas, and soldiers slain by those whom they mentor, some foolishly are waging a war over words and trying to find subversive meaning over legitimate words.

BINDER: A cover for holding loose sheets of paper, magazines, etc., together.
a substance that acts cohesively.

Every student, secretary, employer, head-hunter, songwriter, doctor, casting agent, author, recipe collector, anyone who has any kind of business or keeps things in order uses files or binders. I use binders for all my research in categories. I am doing a book on women and relationships and I keep those individual interviews in a BINDER! I am a woman and no one can accuse me of being bias against women because I keep a binder with their collective data. I have faith enough in the common sense of my gender to know that anyone who uses binders to organize data is not biased against the data contained within and that the media and politicians should focus on the real issues plaguing our country.

Let us all try to rise to a higher level, focus on the bigger picture to get this country back to honesty and morality in government, economic stability and unemployment down. Let us work together on both sides to restore America.

PLACES WITHIN MY HEART

MY JOURNEY ALONG THE RIVER OF LIFE

“I’ve known rivers. I’ve known rivers ancient as the world and older than the flow of human blood in human veins. My soul has grown deep like the rivers.” Langston Hughes

The River of Life

Clickety-click. Clickety-click. The sounds of the train’s wheels came steady and even, a metronome marking the beats of a song. To and fro, to and fro, to and fro. The inertia of the movement gently rocked our bodies to its rhythm. Our compartment with its worn cloth seats was the first comfortable place we had been since we left Israel and I stretched my legs to capture the cool air flowing beneath my calves. We had started early the day before motoring from Tel Aviv through Taba, crossed the Sinai to the Gulf of Suez and headed north to the canal where we crossed and continued west into Cairo. There we boarded the train for our long journey down the Nile.
Yesterday’s travel had been through miles of echoing desert silence. Harsh and rocky surfaces bleached dry by thousands of years of baking sun flanked either side of the road that sliced through the desert’s breast. Little evidence of life was visible except for an occasional Bedouin tent encampment far beyond the road’s edge. Now, as we headed west it was as though we had entered another world. Here near the river’s edge and beyond as far as the eye could see the land became green and life began again.
Outside my sand-spattered train window the landscape and the life on it mirrored a time long past. Low palm-roofed houses, abandoned tractors rusting in the fields next to donkeys hitched with primitive plows. Modern technology abandoned for more familiar methods of working the fertile soil along the river.
Groups of women scrubbed the family wash on large rocks while naked babies slept nearby in baskets and children skipped stones that skimmed creating small uneven hiccups on the surface of their murky playground. Mile upon mile, I watched them launder, bathe, play and drink from its waters- this river of life. The Nile.
It’s like looking through The National Geographic, I thought, remembering when my brother and I as children would spend hours poring over its colorful pictures. In our imaginations with each turn of the page we traveled to strange exotic places we had never before seen. Only now, I was here and the reality of what I was witnessing was almost overwhelming, enveloped safely in my coach behind my window, trespassing, unnoticed, into the lives of a culture, familiar, yet so foreign to me.
My husband and I had spent great time preparing for this trip. Gathering brochures, scouring travelogues for information that would make our vacation run smoothly. Initially, we had just planned on visiting his relatives in Israel, spending the bulk of our time traveling and covering as much of the historical sights, but the more we researched, the more convinced we were to include Egypt on our itinerary.
Arthur had never been to Israel before and was looking forward to seeing his relatives and praying at the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. I was realizing a life-long dream of visiting the sights where Jesus was supposed to have performed miracles. Our diverse religions and heritages, Judaic and Christian, would come together again as it had in our marriage. And now, here we were in Egypt, the second leg of our journey, traveling along the Nile by train.
I looked over at my husband sleeping soundly with his head facing away from the window’s light, his jaw slack and moving ever so slightly in cadence with his breathing. My son had gone to the club car to get our itinerary from the tour guide, his backpack was open and thrown carelessly across his empty seat. Just like a boy, I thought.
I suppose his father’s disappearance when he was still so young has made it twice as hard for me to realize that he is growing up, hard for me to let go. I’m so used to doing it all alone most of the time. Habit really is my worst competitor. Sometimes I feel like an octopus with tentacles stretched everywhere. Arthur was never married before and never had any children, but he has done well, considering. I’m still learning, even at this point.
“What?” Arthur said half asleep.
“Nothing Dear, I was talking to myself again. Go back to sleep.”
“What time is it?”
“Early,” I replied.
He closed his eyes, adjusted his sleeping position and his jaw ever so slightly dropped again. He was asleep.
I watched him and marveled at how he could sleep so easily. I was never able to sleep on anything moving. I don’t know why, but ever since I was a child it was so.
My, how being here brings back memories of my childhood. I hadn’t been on a train in years. I remember during the war we lived in Washington, D.C. and traveled by train to my grandparents’ home in Ohio. My father would always book a drawing room which consisted of several bunk beds and a lavatory. I would play games on the floor in the center of the room. When bedtime came, my father must have read me hours of stories trying to get me to sleep on those overnight trips westward through the Allegheny Mountains. Daddy would hold me on his lap and sing to me. I remember resting my head on his shirt and hearing the deep resonance of his voice through his chest. It was that soothing resonance that finally brought the Sandman.
I looked at my watch. Seven-thirty. I could let Arthur sleep a little longer, at least until Lee returns. I studied his handsome face, peaceful and relaxed. His fair skin had been tanned by the hot Israeli sun and accentuated the whiteness of his fine wavy hair. He really must have been so handsome when he was young, I thought with those blue eyes.
I turned toward the window and the passing landscape along the Nile wondering what powerful secrets and stories its waters held. God knows I was no stranger to secrets…..

♥♥♥♥♥
Sandra Hart©2006/2012
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